Blindsided

It's almost been five years since I gave birth to my daughter Aleah and got to hold her and know her for an incredible 59 minutes. Time goes by. In many ways, my heart has healed, and Jesus has brought me to a place of peace and wellness. I have two beautiful children here on earth that I get the privilege of mothering, and I have two beautiful children in heaven that someday I will get to know.

I was going to the grocery store last week. I don't normally go without Jason because we like to grocery shop together. It's been one of our things since we first started dating, and we have continued that through our marriage. But we were out of cereal and milk, and at my house that is a crisis in the making for my three year old son. I had dropped the three year old off at preschool that morning and only had my baby girl with me which made me feel confident that I could handle grocery shopping without my partner. As I was walking into King Soopers holding my baby girl in my arms, I had the thought "This is so nice to grocery shop with just my little girl and me." The second the thought ran through my mind I felt the full linebacker weight of grief pummel me. Five years ago, I can't tell you how many times I day dreamed of taking my little girl grocery shopping. The grief of loosing her and never getting to take that little girl grocery shopping left me ready to burst into tears and have a full melt down.

Grief never comes at opportune times for me. It comes when I least expect it and hits hardest when I am unprepared and vulnerable. The pain I experienced in that moment carried the same weight as when the first doctor told me upon arriving to the hospital that I was going to lose my baby girl. Sharp, piercing, disorienting, take your breath away pain. My mind began to race. After all this time, still it was there.

I gathered myself and used all my self-control to ensure that I was  going to avoid a full melt down in the middle of the King Sooper's parking lot. Baby girl and I made it through the shopping trip without tears for either of us. But upon getting into the safety of my car, the dam of my emotions busted loose. Tears fell like Florida rain down my cheeks. Part of me felt peace in letting the pain swell and roll down my face and another part wondered at this huge display of emotion. I wondered, "Should I still be doing this five years later? Is this self-indulgent rubbish?"

Emotions often get a bad rap. Emotions, if given free reign, can reek havoc on our lives because they can change like the wind. But in that moment God reminded me that He gave me emotions for a reason. He also reminded me that He was not embarrassed of me or my emotions. He saw my pain and my grief, and He let me cry.

One of my favorite passages in the Bible is the story of Lazarus in John 11. Previously in the chapter of John, he illustrates that Jesus is good friends with Lazarus and his sisters, Mary and Martha. In chapter 11, Jesus is informed that Lazarus is sick but instead of going to him, Jesus tells his disciples that they are going to stay where they are for a few more days. In that time, Lazarus grows sicker and dies. At this point, Jesus comes to Mary and Martha. Jesus first speaks with Martha and then He has almost the same conversation with Mary a little later.

"Now when Mary came to where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet, saying to him, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” ³³ When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved^[e] in his spirit and greatly troubled."

I love how John describes Jesus as "deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled". Then in John 11:35, the shortest verse in the entire Bible, it states "Jesus wept." I believe the shortness of this verse sums it up perfectly. When grief strikes, it does not lend itself to long, drawn out speeches and expression. How interesting that at funerals we give long eulogies. From my own experience with death and grief, that is the exact moment I want everyone to shut up and just cry with me. Because there are moments when words are useless and I just want to the God of the universe to sit and cry with me because it just hurts. And here is proof that He does. He sees. He feels. Jesus validated emotions in this passage of the Bible. 

Often times, I want to rush myself through my emotions because I feel like they are either too messy or I don't want to take the time to unpack them. Jesus knew He was going to raise Lazarus from the dead. He was not surprised that Lazarus died, and He purposely didn't go to Lazarus because Jesus knew He was going to preform a greater miracle for the glory of God. Yet, He takes the time to be deeply moved, troubled, and weep with Martha and Mary. He cares about our feelings and hurts. The kindness of Jesus astounds me and moves me to my knees out of love for Him.

The night after Aleah died and I was discharged from the hospital, we came home to our empty house without a baby. Jason left for a few minutes to go get his phone charger. I was lying in my bed, physically and emotionally exhaused. I had just given birth for the first time and had held my baby as she died in my arms. I layed there feeling completely broken and exposed. Up until this point I had never had an open vision before. But as I layed there, God gave me an open vision. I saw Jesus walk through my bedroom door. He came over to the side of my bed, leaned down and stroked my cheek. Then the vision ended. But I will never forget that moment as long as I live, and I will treasure it for all of my life. The kindness, tenderness, and compassion I felt from my sweet Jesus in that moment has helped carry me through some of my darkest valleys. 

He cares for you. He cares for all of you, including your emotions. He is not too busy to stop and see you and your pain. He weeps with us. Even though He has the perfect eternal perspective and knows everything will be ok (because He was the one who made it all ok). He understands our need to just cry sometimes. Let your soul be at rest and know that sometimes it's ok to just cry with God of the universe.